A Sad Tale...The Story of Two

So apparently I lied. My last post I promised it wouldn't be months until my next post. Clearly, I lied.  Here we are almost a full year from my last post and so much has happened and changed. There were happenings happening last year at this time that I was not at liberty to discuss with the public, but now, if I don't discuss everything I feel I might explode inside. I know...I know...I'm being criptic, but I swear the reasoning is coming.

The Story of You and....
It was Thanksgiving and we were not expecting you to come to us like a blessing, but then....there you were. A tiny plastic stick telling us that our lives had changed. The month of December happened like a blur. Bloodwork, ultrasounds, more bloodwork...next thing you know it was Christmas and you were 8 1/2 weeks growing and my heart was filled fuller than it has ever been. I talked to you almost daily...knowing in my very science filled head that you really didn't even have ears yet...but in my heart knowing that you could hear me. I prayed for you  as a part of me and started to imagine all the things that you would one day be. I was enamoured with the thought that you had a tiny heart beating just inches below my own. It was a miraculous thought and it was the first truly miraculous thing that I have ever encountered. The first ultrasound showed you looking like a little white dot sitting atop a perfectly round ring...almost like a diamond. We could see a slight flicker, but knew you were going to grow and grow and we would see you develop. Every week we checked to see how big you were estimated to be. A poppy seed, an apple seed, a sweet pea, a blueberry, a raspberry....this gave Daddy a chance to understand how you were growing deep inside. We loved you from the very moment we knew you had come to us...but during the second ultrasound we saw your heart beating. Like a tiny steady flicker...it was the most beautiful thing we had ever seen. You were ours. We told all of your grandparents that they were indeed going to be grandparents. Our family grew and they loved you too...from the minute we announced the news. Aunts, unlcles, great aunts and uncles, grandparents, great grandparents, and others who would be apart of your life forever in some way or another. My heart was overflowing with how much we loved you. At 10 weeks, (you were now a green olive/prune) we had our visit with the doctor. We were really hoping for a doppler so we could hear that sweet sound of your heart beating, but the doctor promised us that it would be the next visit. He was pleased with how you were growing. My belly growing just enough that my pants were tight. I relished in every change my body made to accomidate you and your growing little body. I knew you were changing every day at warp speed because everyday I felt a little different. Lightheaded, dizzy, aches and pains of a growing belly and breasts that would one day provide you nutrition. It was overwhelming in a way that just made me smile without thinking. At 11 weeks and 4 days, January 15, I woke up feeling strange. My heart was beating out of my chest. I had gone to work just thinking it was just my nerves and my pregnancy anxiety. I made it through most of the day, constantly having a pressure deep down in my groin. And before I knew it, you were gone. It was so quick and our time together was not supposed to end. But I guess God had other plans for our little miracle. We cried for you. Both of us. Mommy and Daddy cried because you left and we never got to meet you or see your little face. We didn't even know if you were a boy or girl, and even now I can't honestly say that I see you as either. All I see is your big hazel eyes and sweet lips like your Daddy and dark brown hair and dark lashes like me. I picture holding you in my arms and having you tuck your sweet face into my chest. I see your Daddy holding you with a look of pride that I have never seen. And it makes it so hard to say good-bye to you. My heart broke that day. A sizeable chip completely shattered never to be healed. I know there were conversations with people about how "sorry" they were for our loss...but none of them were sad for you. But I was. I was shattered and some days I still am. I can't even type this without tears falling from my eyes. I miss you sweet baby. I miss you so much my heart has not entirely healed. I get by day to day...but moment to moment you are there in my thoughts. This Christmas is not as bright for me, because I don't have you to share it with.

So after some time the doctors cleared us to "try again". It was like everyone thought that if we could replace one lost child with another child, that the hurt would go away and we could get back to "normal." I wasn't ready. We weren't ready. We mourned. We cried. I avoided all things baby... And then, we celebrated my 29th birthday and low and behold by the end of March...we were blessed...again.


The story of.....two.
I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe my saddness over the last few months were taking a toll and making me sick. But when those sick feelings were accompanied by a late cycle, I revisited the small plastic stick. Sure enough....we started over. Lab work was done on Thursday and I was instructed to come back Monday as the levels were low. "Positive, but low" is what the nurse told me on the phone Friday afternoon. Saturday we spent time wondering if we were ready for this again. And by Sunday...it was over...again. Our second little angel said goodbye before we even saw their little form on ultrasound. It was like my heart broke all over again. This time the break took off anonther little chip of my heart and left a few resounding scars. I was petrifed. What if we would never actually see one our our lovely babies in the flesh? Was I broken? Was I less of a woman and even less of a mother because I couldn't bear my own children?

The doubt is still there everyday. Since then we have had testing. Lab work upon lab work....ultrasounds....hystersalipinogram.....and we've done it all together. I cry alot. I cry sometimes when I get my cycle for the month just knowing that it resulted in another month with no child. I have an emptiness in my heart that has not resolved. We have an emptiness in our life that we can't fill. Michael and I want to be parents so badly that it's hard to find pleasure in other people's happiness. We've become insensitve to the effects of other people's happiness. Don't misunderstand, we are happy for our friends that are starting new lives, because we were there once too and we were more happy than we've ever been in our lives. Getting married and making that decision to share your life with someone is joyous and we've shared that with a few this year. Finding out you are pregnant and that you are going to be parents for the first time, we are experiencing that too...and we are happy for those. But deep in my heart there is a hole. I envy those women who get to have a "normal" pregnancy. I fear that any one of those women that are close to me will every have to endure the heart ache that I've endured. It's an overwhelming list of emotions. I can't navigate most of them...not even part of the time. So I don't. I try to deal with each day on a moment to moment basis. If I allow myself to get too wrapped up in all the happiness of others it only makes my lack of that particular happiness overwhelming. So I keep it at a distance.


I have to say about half way through November I realized I'm a little less "thankful" this year. I know that is selfish and generally a lot less positive than I usually try to be. But I'm heartbroken and I realize how fortunate we are, but is that really enough for the rest of my life? Is that really enough for me to just go on being the greatest aunt or the "almost" aunt forever? I'm somebody's mom! I just dont' have a baby here to show you. My babies are in some far away heaven and I can't even pretend to not be bothered every time someone asks, "So, do you have any children?" or "When are you and your husband going to start a family?" WE HAVE!!! You have no idea!

And here comes Christmas around the bend. A very holiday surroung the birth of a savior and I can't even give birth to a non-savior. Please don't think I'm less Christian for thinking these things about Jesus, but I'm at the point where I'm jealous of Mary. That is true sadness. And I'm supposed to believe that God has a plan. I tell myself over and over that "God will only give us what we can truly handle." Do I believe that? At this point in time, do I believe that? I have a sadness in my heart that makes the christmas lights a little less twinkly and the music a little less cheerful. Although the decorations are up, I'm not sure that I feel cheerful. I've noticed it more this year. Usually I want the lights up weeks ahead of Thanksgiving so that I can turn them on the Friday after...granted my husband knows this about me and had them up the week before and we did do just that...my heart really isn't in it. We decorated yesterday and are heading out for a tree today, but the thought of pulling out last years ornament that had names of our whole little family..."Michael, D'Arcy, Saucy, Pina, Katy, Daisy, Bubba, and Baby" (yes, we get an ornament with our cats as part of our family every year), is enough to make the tears come. I don't want to forget. I just want it to not hurt so severely.

I guess that's the story. The saddest tale that I could possibly tell. The tale of two losses with the addition of my loss of Holiday spirit. I have faith and I will try to hold on to that over the next few weeks. I will try to smile and make it a happy holiday because I know I won't be able to take it back when things aren't so dark. So Christmas tree shopping we go and this year I'm placing two little angels on the tree.

Blogs aren't worth spit

Sunday, December 16, 2012

So I'm aware...blogs aren't worth spit if you don't actually blog. LOL. So much has changed in the last few months. Let's have a mini flash-back....

On July 16th my nephew was born! Gavin Levi Swiger showed up a little after 5pm and I think we became best friends the same day!

Hours old and cute as hell!!

 Uncle Mike and little 'G'!

Best Friends!! Love it!

 

 

Then in August, we went on a fantastic vacation to our favorite beach...Rehoboth Beach, Delaware! I actually truely love our beach set up. My beloved in his chair me on the sand reading and a radio playing. We spent most of our days lounging in the manner. Nothing more relaxing than doing absolutely nothing.

 

 

Usually we try to make dinner at the house a few nights a week, which much to our dismay never really pans out. Who wants to cook on vacation?? But one night on this trip to the beach, I impressed even myself. Every week there is a farmer's market at the park at the end of Rehoboth Ave. We comment on how we need to go there every year and only this year did we actually make the whole hearted attempt. The market is small, but has so many wonderful homemade items from ice cream to pasta sauce to pasta itself on top of all the locally grown fruits and vegatables. So it was after this trip that I was determined to make a delicious beach dinner with my trophies from the market. I purchased some delightful red onions, tomatoes, and an unbelievable pasta from scratch that was flavored with cilatro and lime. (Unbelievable to say the least.) And since we were at the beach, what else goes with pasta but seafood. We stopped at a local fish market and picked up some of the best looking shrimp and clams that we had ever seen. Back to the house we went and started with the salad and a nice cold glass of white wine....I happen to love chilled Moscato it's hot and we are at the Beach. (It's really too sweet any other time.) So our entree was born. Cilantro-lime linguini with little neck clams and shrimp with an onion/butter/garlic/wine reduction sauce. It was everything we expected it to be and more.

 

As we do every year we set aside a night to go to the Rusty Rudder in Dewey, Delaware. It's only a short drive from Rehoboth and has the biggest all you can eat seafood buffet that we have ever experienced. And I know what most people think, buffets...hmmm! But really the food on this particular buffet could be gourmet. Besides from their deck you get a spectacular view of the sunset on the bay. One of my favorite places in the whole world to watch a sunset.

 

I also really love the beach because I can wear beach cover ups and flip flops for a week and have no worries. Brings new meaning to the phrase...no shirt, no shoes...no problem! And I really love to get all dressed up after a day of laying practically naked at the beach all day. We only go out a few times when we are at the beach, but those days are usually a lot of fun.

This a shot of the Hubs and I on a night out!

 

This shot is mostly because I love the sights from my spot on the beach. Kids playing, sandcastles being built. It kinda makes it a family atmosphere that we can't wait to bring a family to.

 

 

Of course there always has to be at least one day where we can't hold out the rain. Every year we go to Delaware in August and every year this is some sort of natural reminder that we are still very near to the very large ocean. In 2011, we were vacationing for a week and ended up getting evacuated from the coastal area after only 3-4 days of our vacation. Within a week we experienced an East Coast earth quake (btw...it is really weird to feel the earth move when you are laying on your stomach on that said earth) and a huge hurricane-like storm that required the whole coastal area to go into storm mode and start boarding and taping windows and hankering down anything that could potentially become a flying weapon.  This year however, we just experienced a few days of rain. On most of the days we found other non-beach things to do...like miniature golf,

 

 

 

Dip-N-Dots,

 

batting cages (Michael did this while I was eating the above ice cream),

 

 

moped riding,

 

 

and go-cart racing!!

 

 

Then on one day while it torential downpoured, we found ourselves at boardwalk Grotto Pizza for the day and enjoyed a day of drinking, pizza, and talking to other very awesome vacationers.

 

Micahel giving me the "eye"!

Jeramiah Weed Sweet Tea vodka and Lemondade...screams summer!!

Our view from our barstool.

 

I do have to add that on this particular day we ended up driving back to the house a mile away on the moped in the pouring rain. Suprisingly it was cold and windy even on a rainy day at the beach.

 

I also have this uncotrollable to document all of the amzaing food we eat each year on vacation. Mostly as a reminder of the dinners we certainly don't get her in Northeast Pennsylvania.  For instance, Michael was super excited to visit a restraunt that houses one of his favorite beers. Dogfish Head Brewings and Eats!

 

Crab Cake Sammy unbelievable sauce!

Michael a little tired from driving but loving a beer!

Michael was raving about this one for hours!!

 

We also make a yearly stop at Dos Locos right on Rehoboth Ave. The only place we've ever been where you can cook your dinner on a 700 degree rock and not complain in the least. Not to mention they have amazing cocktails!!

 

 

This year we also made a visit to Claws also on Rehoboth Ave.

 

A cafeteria tray full of crab legs...yes, please!

 

We also made a lunch appearance at the only chain restraunt we've ventured to there outside of Grotto Pizza. Crabby Dick's

 

Crabby Balls, Corn Balls, Meat Balls, Chicken Balls....etc and they serve popcorn on the tables like some places serve peanuts! I was in heaven!

 

I also have to share a drink that screams summer to me anytime I order it...ORANGE CRUSH!!! OMG!! Delicious!!

 

 

And that about ended our beach vacation this year. I look through pictures now and it only makes me want to go back...way sooner than later!!!

 

Let's continue on with our time travels. Next came October. October 13th we celebrated with my former classmates for our 10 Year Class Reunion. This was good and bad in some aspects. It was great to see where everyone has ended up and the people they have become. Some were exactly the same, some really impressed me with the individuals they have become. I was proud to be apart of the class I graduated with. However, the bad came because some people still act like we are in high school and couldn't even bring themselves to show up and see others. I found it to be quite disheartening that 10 years later people thought $30 was expensive for a night with old friends, a full sit down dinner and a dj playing tunes from when we were back in high school. But for those that were there, it was awesome.

 October 14th, Michael and I celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary. It was such an amazing feeling to know that we have actually made it 1 whole year. Not that it was really surprising, but a sense of accomplishment none the less. However, it was during this time that we were under false excitement about moving into a house, (that story is coming up next) and we really didn't do the gift and celebrating thing. So the top of our wedding cake is still in the freezer, waiting for the right occasion. Perhaps we will eat it before wedding anniversary #2! To my beloved Husband...1 down and life time to go!

 

Now on to the house situation. I was seeing this great chiropractor who was really helping my chronic back pain. I was laying on the table one day looking at houses on the market on my phone app. When he mentioned that "he" was selling a house in a great area and that he would love for us to look at it. This house was a little out of our budget, but he was willing to do a lease to own for approximately 5 years at which time we would have to obtain a bank mortgage. This sounded too good to be true. So I went home and told Michael how this conversation went down. He being the very skeptical one in our relationship couldn't believe this. So we made an appointment and went to view the house. It was love at first site. It was everything we ever thought we would want! It had enough bedrooms, more than enough bathrooms, and a finished basement. It had some land and a garage and a rear deck. We were in absolute love!!  We went over financials and what would need to be listed in the contract. Some repairs needed to be made so we had to wait. We were rushing things through as fast as we could for fear that this was really too good to be true. But the doctor reassured us that this house was not put on the market, and that we were the only potential residents. We began to pack. We began to make arrangements. And it wasn't until we had a contract signing date that we told family and friends. So flash foward a few weeks to a Wednesday. I had a regularly scheduled appointment with the chiropractor. Contract was being drawn up and the signing date was set for the following Monday afternoon. I get a call Thursday from the gas supplier who had gone to the house to verify the tank so that they assured it was in good condition for filling. It was this supplier who called my husband and I to inform us that there was a realestate agent showing the house. OUR HOUSE!! What??? So I called the doctor. He then unwillingly informs me that this just "happened" the night before. The realestate agent knew the house was empty and had a potential buyer. He was orginally reluctant to go forward out of loyalty to Michael and I, however, due to swaying of his wife's doing, they decided what could be the harm of having someone look. So she looked. And as it turns out the harm of having someone look is that they bought the house right out from under us. I can intellectually understand the appeal of the money and getting out of your responsiblity. I can understand the appeal of an outright sale verses 5 years of waiting and working with a young couple. But I cannot forgive, however, his method of notifying me via text that they accepted the other offer. I cannot forgive the fact that he made the comment "I wish things could've been different." They could have been different. He had that control and chose money over loyalty. He chose money over being an honest man with integrity. Needless to say, I'm no longer a patient and Michael and I have just finally put our lives back together. I don't know how anyone does things like that to other people, but aparently, as I've heard, money talks....LOUD!

 

And here we are in December.

 

Thanksgiving came and went. The tree went up. The lights are glowing. I personally can't get enough Christmas music because, quite frankly, it makes me happy. Not happy like a new pair of shoes makes me (don't get it wrong, new shoes make me very happye), but happy in my soul happy. Hearing the words of faith and hope broadcasted across every airwave for a few weeks to remind everyone who hears of the holiday spirit is enough to make any soul happy. I happen to love Christmas. It's a time of not only of giving gifts to those that we love to show our appreciation of them through the year, but a time of family and friends and small miracles. Miracles happen everyday in every way. You just have to slow down enough to notice them. Some miracles aren't that small either. Some are so big that they are something you want to scream from the rooftops. But they are still miracles. Christmas Miracles.

 

So much for my small flash back. This ended up lengthier than I had originally intended. Perhaps I should try to pre-schedule some time to write. Or perhaps I should just write to write. Either way...I promise it won't be months until my next post.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In need of "Something"

Sunday, July 8, 2012

So I've decided that I'm in need of "something." Not really sure at this point what that "something" is, but I've got a lot of things on my plate these days and it seems it could be any number of things. You see, I'm 28 years old. I know that seems young to some, but to me I've been waiting my whole life for my life to begin. Let me explain that.

You see at a young age I realized that I derived some sort pleasure out of being the "good" kid. I realized that if I worked really hard and succeeded at a few things, I would get recognized and feel a sense of satisfaction. It was this repetative sense of satisfaction that lead me to my greatest flaw. I would do as much as I could for everyone else to see them pleased or to have them praise me that I had stopped doing things for myself.  It wasn't until I graduated college and started my career that I realized I can no longer live my life in this way.

I met my husband June 6, 2008. I didn't know at that moment that he would be my husband, but I did realize that I'd never felt this way about anyone ever before. I didn't need to try so hard. I didn't need to impress him in the way that I felt I needed to impress everyone else. I impressed him by just being myself. What a revelation!!! I didn't have to succeed at everything. I didn't have to have praise from anyone. It was a very relieving feeling.

I had spent 90% of my life mostly trying to impress my mother and have her see me in a prideful way and in a moment of complete chance, I had found the only man who didn't require me to be anything that I wasn't. For quite amount of time after I'd met Michael, I still had a very hard time getting myself to believe that I was a loveable, smart, talented person that deserved the love of a man who was the kindest man I'd ever met. Now, don't mistake me. My husband is not perfect. Not by any means. However, neither am I. We fight. We make up. And usually...we fight some more. But at the end of the day. I think he saved me.

I've always considered myself to have been one of those semi-popular girls in high school. I did all the things I thought were expected of me. I got good grades, had lots of friends, was nice to just about everyone, was a memeber of countless clubs. I tried sports. I cheered. I played an instrument. I would smile and throw myself into everything. From the outside eye, I looked happy. Like every happy teenager should. But I wasn't happy. I was miserable. I hated the way I looked. I hated that I didn't have money like some kids did. I hated that I had to work to have the things that I wanted. I hated that I had a little sister who, for the most part, followed me all over the place and had to be involved with all "MY" friends. By the time I got my lisence and a car, I wanted nothing more than to get in and drive away from my life. By senior year, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I didnt' really belong in my own life. My life still had not truly begun.

I thought that by going off to college that I would finally live my life, my way. But that was a false claim as well. I got there and realized I loved college, but I hated that I had to work really hard to survive. I lived in an apartment that I had to work 2 jobs to support, I had a roomate that made college look easier than it was. I had boyfriend after boyfriend. I drank. I had sex. I tried to fill a void that I didn't realize existed. I fell in love. I was 19. He was a friend/roomate of my friend. He was everything I thought I'd always wanted. And it took me a really long time to realize it was only what I thought I wanted. And it came as a really painful wake up call when it finally sunk in that I felt for someone in a way that he would never feel about me. Rejection. It's a bitch.

Not back to my beginning statement about not feeling like my life has begun. Recently, I got married. I'm not sure how that happened exactly. It seems as though the last 4 years have been a whirlwind. I've done, just as I always have, everything that I thought I was supposed to do. I got a college degree. I met a man. I got a career. I got a decent place to live. I got married. And here we are...at my "something" that is missing. I have recently been watching people. I know what your thinking, everyone people watches. But I'm not talking about the kind of watching you do at the mall or at walmart. I mean I've been watching people. People in their relationships. People with their families. People with their children. Oh. That's it. Children.

I've spent so many years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds trying deperately to have my life begin. And somehow, somewhere...my life began. All of those things I had done for everyone else, believing whole heartedly that they were for everyone else, were actually for me. I have fallen in love. I have found romance when I least expected it. I have created my own family. Now...I know that I am ready to share my life with a child. Not just any child, my child. I come home everyday after spending my time caring for everyone elses's loved ones and I make dinner for husband and I. Sometimes I do laundry, sometimes I clean up around the house. Sometimes I consume my time with the 5000 projects that I begin and work on randomly but not consistantly. I realize that there are many things about my life that I still want to change and improve. I have goals. I have goals that I didn't think I would ever really have. I want to have a family and a career and a life with my family. Simple right? Well it would seem so but then there are the days that seems like the greatest feat of all.

I know I'm ready. No longer ready for my life to begin, but ready for my life to just take off. Like a rocket. I want to experience all things in life that I thought were for everyone else...I want them for myself. So, until I fill in my life with my "something" that is missing, I'm going to work on my list of goals.

1. Go back to school. I really want to continue to learn. Everything! I love nursing. I think that changing my degree in college to something that allows me to take my greatest flaw of taking care of others and making it something that I love was the smartest thing I ever could've done. I want to complete a masters degree in nursing. The hardest decision being what area of nursing to specialize in. I love patients. I love knowing the inner workings of healthcare. Administration? Maybe.

2. I want to buy a house. I mean a real house. Not a starter home. Not a home to live in and make something out of and then leave for someone else. I want to live in place that I love so much, that when I retire, I want to still live in my home.

3. I want to complete every craft project I start. Silly as this may seem, I love crafting and the only satisfaction I'm searching for these days is for myself.

4. I want to organize my life. Not just my home, which in reality should be my jumping off point. But I heard once that cleanliness is next to Godliness, and if that's the truth then I better get cracking. I love Good Housekeeping...just something to work toward.

5. I need to get a handle on all my finances. I mean debt, loans, current funds. Everyone has this goal...I just really need to get started.

6.  I want to take better care of my health. I need to lose weight and get my body to keep up with what my heart and mind have on the agenda.

7. I want to read. I used to really love reading. I just have to get myself involved in a book and keep going.

8. I need to relax and enjoy the little things in life.


I know that I have other things on my mind that I want to accomplish, but those are the major things that I'd like to accomplish in the near future. I need to just find the motivation to get myself started. And that leads me to the reason I'm blogging. I need to get the thoughts that go through my head, out of my head. I need to utilize the brain that I have hibernating in my head. I used to have half an idea to be a writer. Maybe I'm not really meant to do that as a profession, but I do have the heart to do have it as a hobby. Who knows, maybe someone will get a slight insight into who I am and who I want to be? Who knows, maybe that someone will be me?

Bed time. Work tomorrow and a phone interview with a recruiter from Drexel University for the RN to BSN program. Goal number 1 under way. :)