Sunday, July 8, 2012
So I've decided that I'm in need of "something." Not really sure at this point what that "something" is, but I've got a lot of things on my plate these days and it seems it could be any number of things. You see, I'm 28 years old. I know that seems young to some, but to me I've been waiting my whole life for my life to begin. Let me explain that.
You see at a young age I realized that I derived some sort pleasure out of being the "good" kid. I realized that if I worked really hard and succeeded at a few things, I would get recognized and feel a sense of satisfaction. It was this repetative sense of satisfaction that lead me to my greatest flaw. I would do as much as I could for everyone else to see them pleased or to have them praise me that I had stopped doing things for myself. It wasn't until I graduated college and started my career that I realized I can no longer live my life in this way.
I met my husband June 6, 2008. I didn't know at that moment that he would be my husband, but I did realize that I'd never felt this way about anyone ever before. I didn't need to try so hard. I didn't need to impress him in the way that I felt I needed to impress everyone else. I impressed him by just being myself. What a revelation!!! I didn't have to succeed at everything. I didn't have to have praise from anyone. It was a very relieving feeling.
I had spent 90% of my life mostly trying to impress my mother and have her see me in a prideful way and in a moment of complete chance, I had found the only man who didn't require me to be anything that I wasn't. For quite amount of time after I'd met Michael, I still had a very hard time getting myself to believe that I was a loveable, smart, talented person that deserved the love of a man who was the kindest man I'd ever met. Now, don't mistake me. My husband is not perfect. Not by any means. However, neither am I. We fight. We make up. And usually...we fight some more. But at the end of the day. I think he saved me.
I've always considered myself to have been one of those semi-popular girls in high school. I did all the things I thought were expected of me. I got good grades, had lots of friends, was nice to just about everyone, was a memeber of countless clubs. I tried sports. I cheered. I played an instrument. I would smile and throw myself into everything. From the outside eye, I looked happy. Like every happy teenager should. But I wasn't happy. I was miserable. I hated the way I looked. I hated that I didn't have money like some kids did. I hated that I had to work to have the things that I wanted. I hated that I had a little sister who, for the most part, followed me all over the place and had to be involved with all "MY" friends. By the time I got my lisence and a car, I wanted nothing more than to get in and drive away from my life. By senior year, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I didnt' really belong in my own life. My life still had not truly begun.
I thought that by going off to college that I would finally live my life, my way. But that was a false claim as well. I got there and realized I loved college, but I hated that I had to work really hard to survive. I lived in an apartment that I had to work 2 jobs to support, I had a roomate that made college look easier than it was. I had boyfriend after boyfriend. I drank. I had sex. I tried to fill a void that I didn't realize existed. I fell in love. I was 19. He was a friend/roomate of my friend. He was everything I thought I'd always wanted. And it took me a really long time to realize it was only what I thought I wanted. And it came as a really painful wake up call when it finally sunk in that I felt for someone in a way that he would never feel about me. Rejection. It's a bitch.
Not back to my beginning statement about not feeling like my life has begun. Recently, I got married. I'm not sure how that happened exactly. It seems as though the last 4 years have been a whirlwind. I've done, just as I always have, everything that I thought I was supposed to do. I got a college degree. I met a man. I got a career. I got a decent place to live. I got married. And here we are...at my "something" that is missing. I have recently been watching people. I know what your thinking, everyone people watches. But I'm not talking about the kind of watching you do at the mall or at walmart. I mean I've been watching people. People in their relationships. People with their families. People with their children. Oh. That's it. Children.
I've spent so many years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds trying deperately to have my life begin. And somehow, somewhere...my life began. All of those things I had done for everyone else, believing whole heartedly that they were for everyone else, were actually for me. I have fallen in love. I have found romance when I least expected it. I have created my own family. Now...I know that I am ready to share my life with a child. Not just any child, my child. I come home everyday after spending my time caring for everyone elses's loved ones and I make dinner for husband and I. Sometimes I do laundry, sometimes I clean up around the house. Sometimes I consume my time with the 5000 projects that I begin and work on randomly but not consistantly. I realize that there are many things about my life that I still want to change and improve. I have goals. I have goals that I didn't think I would ever really have. I want to have a family and a career and a life with my family. Simple right? Well it would seem so but then there are the days that seems like the greatest feat of all.
I know I'm ready. No longer ready for my life to begin, but ready for my life to just take off. Like a rocket. I want to experience all things in life that I thought were for everyone else...I want them for myself. So, until I fill in my life with my "something" that is missing, I'm going to work on my list of goals.
1. Go back to school. I really want to continue to learn. Everything! I love nursing. I think that changing my degree in college to something that allows me to take my greatest flaw of taking care of others and making it something that I love was the smartest thing I ever could've done. I want to complete a masters degree in nursing. The hardest decision being what area of nursing to specialize in. I love patients. I love knowing the inner workings of healthcare. Administration? Maybe.
2. I want to buy a house. I mean a real house. Not a starter home. Not a home to live in and make something out of and then leave for someone else. I want to live in place that I love so much, that when I retire, I want to still live in my home.
3. I want to complete every craft project I start. Silly as this may seem, I love crafting and the only satisfaction I'm searching for these days is for myself.
4. I want to organize my life. Not just my home, which in reality should be my jumping off point. But I heard once that cleanliness is next to Godliness, and if that's the truth then I better get cracking. I love Good Housekeeping...just something to work toward.
5. I need to get a handle on all my finances. I mean debt, loans, current funds. Everyone has this goal...I just really need to get started.
6. I want to take better care of my health. I need to lose weight and get my body to keep up with what my heart and mind have on the agenda.
7. I want to read. I used to really love reading. I just have to get myself involved in a book and keep going.
8. I need to relax and enjoy the little things in life.
I know that I have other things on my mind that I want to accomplish, but those are the major things that I'd like to accomplish in the near future. I need to just find the motivation to get myself started. And that leads me to the reason I'm blogging. I need to get the thoughts that go through my head, out of my head. I need to utilize the brain that I have hibernating in my head. I used to have half an idea to be a writer. Maybe I'm not really meant to do that as a profession, but I do have the heart to do have it as a hobby. Who knows, maybe someone will get a slight insight into who I am and who I want to be? Who knows, maybe that someone will be me?
Bed time. Work tomorrow and a phone interview with a recruiter from Drexel University for the RN to BSN program. Goal number 1 under way. :)
